The Love of the Irish

I guess, because it's St Patrick's Day, I've been thinking about my biological father today. I have a slight thought about him most days, but today was more poignant.

This is a link to the post I made all those years ago which lead to me finding out about him:

Genealogy Forum - Lattimore

That was two months shy of seven years ago! Seeing it again now doesn't really evoke any emotion in me. I don't know whether that's right or wrong or normal or abnormal - it just is what it is.

I'm on my own tonight (I cherish these evening when I have some time to myself!) and I decided to grab a pizza and some Guinness on the way home so I could make a toast to Aidan on St Patrick's Day. It's funny - if I had planned such a tribute (if you will) it wouldn't have worked out, but it just happens that it's fallen on a day this year when the Boy is away skiing and the other people at home are all out or asleep.  So now I feel a bit stuffed with pizza (a slight step away from the vegan diet but I think I'm allowed a hall pass today) and I'm half way through my first Guinness which I toasted to him in the stars.

Until recently I've never given much thought to my heritage or background, I've always just accepted my unconventional family set up.  I was so keen to find out about Danny and then when I did so  many emotions came out. Then I guess I've just let it be for the past couple of years. I haven't made a huge effort to contact his side of the family. They haven't either, but I think that's because they want to leave the ball in my court and I'm completely rubbish at hitting the ball back!

Right now I'm in a really good place emotionally and mentally. I have the most super boyfriend, work is good and I feel balanced, healthy and positive. I saw the phrase I've posted above a while back and it struck such a chord with me and I really wanted to embrace that mentality.  And I truly believe that thanks to changing my attitude and outlook that things are really falling into place and on the up.

Therefore I'm completely ready to build a proper relationship with Aidan's family again. I'm connected with them but I really want to make them part of my life and me their's. I want to hear about my grandparents and great grandparents and my heritage on my paternal side and learn all I can about that side.

At some point I'm going to have to let my dad know.  I'm not ready for that at the moment and I know he most definitely isn't either but in time it will have to happen and I'll know when that time is.

We've had some pretty crappy stuff happen already this year and I think a couple of years back that would have been my focus, but now I'm seeing each day as a brand new one with a fresh start.  I don't want to think about and reflect on the bad stuff but instead try and focus on the good and the positive wherever I can.

I have found my voice and I'm not worried anymore about saying things people may not want to hear - as long as it's what I believe then that's okay.  I love my job, I'm concentrating on my passion and I am so besotted with the Boy; I love him more and more each day (that's a whole other blog!).

I'm over feeling guilty for wanting to protect some family members and ready to stand up for the things that really matter to me and I'm excited for the future!

Happy St Patrick's Day :)

"Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze." Carolyn Gold Heilbrun

I'm not one to normally comment on love and romance and the rose tinted outlook on life, but this weekend something strange happened which has had me reflecting on the whole subject rather profoundly.

I read a book a while back.  Well, three books actually. A trilogy in fact! A trilogy that received a whole lot of hype and was talked about in every media publication for months and months. A trilogy that, quite frankly, I had zero interest in.  It was a huge phenomenon amongst the middle aged married set and billed as the books that would revolutionise the average house wife's love life.

It didn't interest me in the slightest.

One Saturday afternoon, I was doing the food shop in the big supermarket in the nearest town and decided to browse the book section.  The first of this trilogy was on sale for £1.99 - and I thought, "what the heck - it's worth buying at that price so I can see what the hype is all about".

I read the book.  Honestly - I hated it. I found it annoying to read, and I've never found a book annoying before. It was repetitive, silly, badly written and quite mediocre.  Despite that, I downloaded the remaining two books onto my Kindle and continued and read the rest of the trilogy because I really wanted to know what the hype was about.  My opinion remained unchanged - a stupid attempt at a love story in which a man with the most deep-set mental issues is cured by the love of a good woman.

Just no.

On Friday afternoon at work, one of my colleagues mentioned that she and another girl from the office were going to watch the movie that had been made from these books - they had a spare ticket and would I like to go?  I thought about it for a while. I reflected on my feelings towards the books and decided I'd probably despise the movie.  Then I reconsidered when it dawned on my that I hadn't been to the cinema in years, I hadn't been out on a 'girly' night in a very long time, and I had a Friday night ahead of me with nothing planned...so I said yes.

And I loved it!!

I still can't quite pinpoint what it was about the film that made me fall in love with it, but something did. I think the leading male character's body, looks, authority and power certainly helped - but there was another element which I'm not quite sure of yet.

It was funny, entertaining, gripping, intense, lighthearted - and had a whole fleet of Audis and a gorgeous man dressed in tailor made suits.

So why have I been thinking abut romance all weekend since I saw the movie?  I guess it's inevitable for many girls to reflect on their relationships and compare their menfolk to the lead character in the film. That's certainly what I did.

However - I really can't fault my guy. He's smart and funny, has a great smile, dresses nicely, likes fine dining (and fine wining!), is generous and kind, is crazy good in the bedroom department and understands and appreciates women's handbags and shoes - I am a SUPER lucky girl.  But I still feel like something is missing.

As I've sat here this evening thinking about it, I wonder how much of that is media influenced? I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have a guy like J.  I hear other girls speaking negatively about their partners and I have to smile politely and laugh in the right places but I have nothing to contribute to the conversation because I don't really have anything bad to say about mine. I know this full well yet I had this feeling all weekend that there was something missing.

Then it dawned on me.

I want him to be more verbal and shower me with compliments. I want him to be more physical and take me by surprise. I want him to be more honest and open and tell me what he wants.  But why should it all be so one sided? How can he do any of that if I don't do the same?  If I want him to take my hand on impulse and dance with me because our favourite song comes on the radio - how will  he know that unless I communicate it to him? He's an amazing guy but he isn't a mind reader!

I have therefore resolved to be more passionate, more open, and more loving to my partner than I have been before. He's quite amazing and I need to show him that he's the most special thing that's ever happened to me.

He's the little spark of light and happiness that makes every day so fabulous!

“And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

It's quite late in the day to be writing about new beginnings for the new year, but I decided to wait this year until a few weeks had passed so I could write about the results of the changes I had put in place rather than making some wild claims of what I was hoping to do which would, more than likely, never happen!

I never know what to say when someone inevitably asks me what my New Year's Resolutions are.  I don't ever give it any thought and then make another resolve to save more/exercise more/experience more.  I then quietly forget my plans and carry on as normal.

This year though....this year is different.  I wanted to make some positive changes to my life and focus on happy, healthy, forward thinking goodness! Day to day that's pretty easy to achieve, but it's the moments when I feel a bit negative about something that I've been trying to address by taking a moment, re-evaluating the situation and putting a good spin on it.

The same is true for my health and despite having heard this a million times before - health and happiness are SO well linked!  There are certain foods that I can't eat for allergy reasons, and other foods that I don't enjoy eating for personal reasons.  There's a particular 'food lifestyle' (for want of a  better word) that I've toyed with in the past, and although it requires some planning and forward thinking, it isn't impossible to do.  Regrettably my lack of time over the past few months has led to me being a teeeeeeny bit lazy when it comes to food prep and I've gone for the easy option and then regretted it pretty soon afterwards.  However, I've spent the past few weeks researching, planning, sourcing, noting down and gathering all the info I need to make this work and incorporate it into my day to day life and so far, so good! Not only does it mean I can't just pop into the shop for a ready meal (which, for the record, I thoroughly dislike doing anyway!) - but also that I am using fresh ingredients and cooking daily. I'm exploring new meal options, recipes, ingredients and ideas and having so much fun! I feel happy for making the effort and getting great results.  I have less stress, more energy and I'm bursting with good vibes.  Completely OTT I agree, but it's true!

Negative energy and influences have also received my makeover treatment - rather than just accepting that certain things annoy me, I've decided to take control of the situation and make it work for me.  One great example is removing the app for a certain social network off my phone so I don't feel compelled to check every few hours.  It's SO refreshing! I'm ten days in and I don't feel like it's such a big part of my life any more.  I made a conscious effort to really post less during the past five months or so and found I was checking less and less anyway. I think social media is a really important tool and has some excellent uses (I use it for my business pages and love it for that), but I personally feel it's used to share every small aspect of people's lives and I was quite uncomfortable with that aspect - and a lot of that feeling was based on the idea that people expect you to know their news because they've mentioned it online. I say pick up the 'phone and arrange to meet, or call and have a conversation...all hail a new beginning on that front!

Now that I'm actively making the changes that I've wanted to do for a while, I am in such a good place. It's all about taking control and knowing what works for you! I am so fortunate for all the things I have and I think about that every morning.  Someone recently said 'you're so strong, you've had some pretty horrid things happen' - and while I appreciate what they were saying, I didn't like it at all. I'm not a strong person by any stretch of the word, I just don't like to go over things time and time again. Bad and sad things do happen and it sucks so much, but there's no way I'm going to let these things affect me and bring me down. Deal with it, shut the door, move on to the future and the great things that await!

Happy Belated New Year  - I hope it's filled with greatness and goodies!

'The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your Mother, the ecology, or the president. You realise that you control your own destiny'. Albert Ellis.

I was awake at 3am until 4:30 am today with so many thoughts in my head. I was worrying over the most inconsequential things but at that time of the day they seemed like most mountainous of tasks that I was never going to be able to overcome! I was concerned that I would never get all my stuff out of the house I'm moving from and that I'd never get it cleaned in time.  I was worried about not having enough petrol in my car. I was completely preoccupied with wondering how I was going to cope living in J's mum's house for two years without going crazy and why the hell was I thinking about all this stuff at stupid o'clock in the morning and why hadn't I taken my herbal sleeping pills?

And so I decided to read the news online for twenty minutes to get my mind off things.

Then I was overwhelmed with sleepiness and I passed out dribbling on my pillow, only to be rudely awakened at 6:45am by my alarm indicating it was time to get my derriere out of bed and get on with my day.

Which I did.

On the drive to work today I pondered over all my midnight musings and decided that, as usual, I was worrying about nothing and I would find a solution to everything.  I arranged with J to meet at the old house tomorrow after work - we'd load the big bankers desk into one car and all the remaining bits which are destined for my dad's house in the other. I checked my bank account and was reassured I have more than enough to refill the car if I need to (Lord knows what I was worrying about - I'm in Kazakhstan all next week so won't be driving anywhere!). When I got in the door this evening (albeit at 9pm after my looooooong Tuesday), C immediately set about cooking my dinner for me and keeping me entertained for twenty minutes.

It's SO typical of me to be awake at some crazy hour fretting over the teeniest thing only to realise hours later when I'm back in the world of the living that I had made a mountain out of a molehill! So this evening I have made a point of reminding myself of how lucky I am to have somewhere to live, amongst a caring and loving family, with my gorgeous better half. I can't lose sight of the end goal and the reason why we're here.

Only I can decide whether to let it get on top of me or to embrace this small challenge life has thrown my way and make it into the most valuable, positive and memorable experience I can.

I'm choosing the latter.

Here's a photo of a happy Mexican seagull I took this summer - he puts a smile on my face for no apparent reason!

'Time is what we want most, but what we use worst' William Penn

I love the title quote, it's one of my favourites and rings so true for me! Can you believe it's been 4 years since I last posted on here?! And what an emotional post that was...

So much has changed since then (for the better!!). I was procrastinating at work today and the thought crossed my mind that I ought to start a blog to give me something to look back in years to come. I used to be fanatical about writing in my diary when I was younger and it's something I really miss doing - I guess life got in the way and I don't seem to have the time.

Anyway, when I got home I logged on to my Google account (as I usually do), and the Blogger icon caught my eye. Lo and behold I rediscovered this little treasure that I once had such high hopes for! Reading through that last entry from January 2010 brought back some memories, I can tell you. I had forgotten the raw feeling that I had at the time of writing, yet reading it again made it all come flooding back.

I feel like I was such a different person then. I know we all mature and our life experiences change us, but I genuinely feel like I have changed so much. I had so many more emotions then. It seems like I was more descriptive, more awake, more alive.  I don't think I have time for those feelings any more! Life has become so hectic, and I spend so much time running around trying to make sure everyone and everything is happy and don't seem to leave much time for *me*.

THE MOVE

So let's see. I finally bit the bullet and ended that crazy relationship with the boy back in 2010. It wasn't easy but it was absolutely the right thing to do for both of us. I also took a leap of faith (or craziness?!) one morning in February that year and booked a one way ticket to London for May 13th.  I handed in my notice at work, arranged for the removal van to come and collect all my worldly goods,  said all my good byes (hugely emotional - don't ever leave your closest friends at the airport and walk through security alone knowing you're saying adios!) and boarded the BA flight back to the homeland.

I have the most brilliant friends here in the UK - they've been in my life since as far back as I can remember - and they made the transition so easy for me. I knew the moment I'd landed here that I'd made the right decision. Fortunately I'd managed to secure a job at the London office of the same firm I was working at in Malaga so work was pretty sweet.

WORK

However - commuting daily to and fro London is definitely NOT SWEET. I do not recommend it. You are charged half your monthly salary to stand for 90 minutes in hot, sweaty, cramped conditions each way and often get to miss your train because of varying reasons given by the rail companies such as 'leaves on the track'; 'the wrong type of rain'; 'the driver didn't show up'; and the like.

Continuing with my fast tracked update - I stayed at the job in London town for eight months before being alerted to a position advertised at a company much closer to home. They were looking for a Spanish speaker at an aviation company based in a small West Sussex village called Partridge Green.  I decided to apply, thinking that if I got the job I would stay for a while and look for something more law related in the local vicinity.

I went through the most intense interview EVER and somehow blagged my way through and was offered a job the same day (whooooo!).  I started on February 8th 2012 and have been there ever since.

I love it!

My client base is Latvian, Kazakhstanian (?!) and Spanish. I know more about the inner workings of an aeroplane that I ever imagined I would. I work with an awesome bunch of people in a beautiful office, and I'm HAPPY!

HIM

I met my man in June 2011 in a pub in Pulborough, West Sussex, through friends. Initially he was nicknamed 'Tweed' and he fast became my non-gay best friend.  We had more lows between us than high but I like to think I was his lady in shining armour in his times of trouble and strife.  Despite EVERYONE predicting we would fall in love and live happily ever after, we failed to see it and continued on our merry way as girl and non-gay best friend.

I went to Florida with my dad in September 2012 and spent the whole 15 days missing Tweed like crazy. Mentallist crazy.  He was stuck in my head and I missed him with such a crazy longing it scared me.

What did I do about it?

Nothing! I got back to England and we carried on as normal, because he was the most special person in my life and I was damned if I was going to ruin our friendship by doing something as stupid as telling him I had....feelings for him.

Christmas came around, and all the festive cheer and merry drunkenness had some kind of wonderful effect on us. One night...we kissed *blush* and we've never looked back!

You know those annoying people who bang on about finding their missing puzzle piece and the other perfectly matched half of them and all those annoying phrases? Well, I'm one of them now! I don't shout it out all over the place, but there's a certain inner smugness of content because he's all mine now. He's generous and caring and funny and kind and thoughtful and hard working and ambitious and a bit of a looker and he's totally 100% mine.

And that makes me super duper happy.

Then & Now

I'm Jo.
I used to be a 25 year old and spent my weeks working in Malaga city and my weekends at my house in Marbella.  I shared my house with Snoop and Copi the dogs, 1 rat, Gizmo and Pitbull the bunnies and various fish. There was a man about the house but his status changed too often to make it official on here.
Now, I'm 30 years old and spend my weeks working in the wonderful world of aeroplanes and my weekends pottering around the countryside in West Sussex. I still share my house with Snoop and Copi, with the addition of Shadow the Spaniel, Puss & Rodney the cats, and a stroppy horse named Murphy. There is an official man around the house who shares my name. He is marginally better looking than me.

R.I.P.

I can't sleep tonight.  It's 2am on the dot.

On 12/01/01, or January 12th 2001, my biological father, Aiden Lattimore, was found frozen to death on a park bench in Boston, MA.  He was 49 years old. 

He and my mother separated sometime between January and August 1984. He left Surrey, England, to pursue a better life in Boston. She never followed.  In the inbetween years, between then and 2001, his alcoholism came the better of him, and he became an alcoholic. He lost everything and became your typical homeless guy in the park. 

He drank himself to death on a freezing night.

Of course there are more details to the story.

But please, don't assume every homeless person is a dirty, crack addicted street rat. 

One of them was my dad.

And I'm sitting here tonight wishing, praying I could do anything, anything, to have one moment in time to meet him, speak to him, I would do anything right now. And it's never going to happen.

Aiden - Danny - my father - was part of an amazing family, a seriously amazing family. But he was for whatever reason never able to resist the temptation of alcohol, which eventually to his untimely death.

I can't even describe the emotions I'm feeling right now. All I know is I'm typing this through tears that won't stop, just wishing for one moment with my father. One tiny moment in time is all I ask.

It's only been 18 months since I learnt all this. 18 months which brought to an end to a lifetime of searching for an answer.  My mother never chose to explain anything to me. I understand her choice. But at the brink of 23, I made contact and got some of the answers I have been searching for my whole life.

Thank you. You know who you are who found me.

This whole blog probably makes no sense. I'm just rambling because I'm tired and emotional and it's 2am and I'm crying and thinking and wondering and thinking "what if" and feeling sorry for myself, and sorry for him, and just sorry.

I'm sorry.

What if I'd tried to find you earler? What if, when they told me I was too young and it would cause too much hearache, if I'd listened to myself and hired that PI? It would cause heartache to them, but what about them?? What about you?? What about US????? 

I still remember being at the bottom of our stairs in Horsham, with Justine, asking my grandmother to help me find you. I was 12. Too young. Think of the disrupt it would cause. Think of Ian. Think of my mum. What about me? What about you?

I know now you were probably married at that point. I had, still have, an amazing dad. That will never change. I'm sure you would have loved him. I'm positive. He's such a great guy. 

But what I would give to spend a moment with you.

What did she tell you about me? What happened between you? When I was 7, the first time I recall asking her about you, I was in the bath, at 85 Circle Road. She told me you were dead. Wishful thinking, huh?!

And that's it. 

I have photos sneaked from her albums. Photos of you outside the old house on Circle Road, before I was born. With William and Mishca, the dogs. I knew those dogs. It's something we have in common.

I have photos my nan has given me. She has more, but she's scared that if she loans them to me for too long my mum will notice and start asking questions. I have them all scanned, but seriously. Who gives a damn?

She doesn't, that's for sure.

I don't mean to slam her. She has been a great mother. She has worked so hard to put me through good schools, to teach me to read and write and speak goddamn French since before I could walk. She has been fantastic.

Until the last few years, which I'm sure you know because they say that up there angels watch over us and I'm certain you're seeing us and watching us. I've had pretty good luck the last few years, very bad luck and good luck at the same time - is that you?

Do you even know about me?

I  had an email from your niece, Jen, over the weekend. They have your wallet. That's all that was found with you. That, and your watch. Uncle Tom says he has two watches, at least he did when I spoke to him 18 months ago.. He gave some more of your stuff away, because of course they didn't know about me.

Why would they? For all you know I didn't exist.

But she says she is going to send me your wallet.  I don't know if I want her to. I mean, I want it, I want it so much, just to have something that is yours, but I'm scared of it getting lost in the post.

I want to go to Australia and get it all in person. To have your brother give it to me. That would mean so much to me.

I have the gold bottle opener thingy that was yours, it's a golf knight with a shield in a stand, it's wierd and really quite ugly but it was yours and therefore it's special.

I also have your Encyclopaedias, (spelling?!) but they're at mum's, probably covered in dog hair and mould. I've just sent her a text asking for them.  Wonder what she'll make of that.

So this has turned into something of an open letter to a ghost? A deceased person? You? My dad? What are you now?

I'm going to go now. Maybe I'll continue this, maybe I won't. I hope I do, but I'm a bit random like that. Comme ci, comme Ça...or whatever.

Just to let you know that you're gone from this Earth but you're not forgotten, and you never will be.

If anyone ever reads this, which they probably won't considering my blog has a readership of zero...

Please don't pass by every homeless person on the street. They have life stories too.  Something I never appreciated until my father was one of them.